How to Give a Chastity Talk

PREPARATION

Adoration. Prepare your presentation in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. Also spend time in adoration before the presentation. Offer a Rosary, and go over your talk with God, and he will often place new inspirations on your heart. If you are speaking at a Catholic school or church, they should have the Blessed Sacrament present, so go soak in the grace for an hour. In the words of one priest, “Whoever gives a talk about God without first spending an hour before the Blessed Sacrament—that person is full of himself.”

Mass. Before your presentation, get to a morning Mass if possible, no matter what day of the week. Offer up the Mass for your audience and their families. In the words of St. John Chrysostom, “The Eucharist is a fire that inflames us, that, like lions breathing fire, we may retire from the altar being made terrible to the devil.”

Confession. If possible, receive the sacrament of reconciliation at some point in the days preceding your presentation.

Study. Read books related to your ministry, such as Soul of the Apostolate, Love and Responsibility, The Way, I Believe in Love, Good News About Sex and Marriage, and If You Really Loved Me. Also familiarize yourself with medical websites, such as www.cdc.gov, www.medinstitute.org, and www.pubmed.gov.

Express Novena. It has been said that Mother Teresa often prayed what she called the express novena. She knew that it was so powerful that she would pray it, not so much in petition for something, but in thanksgiving for the fact that she knew she was going to obtain it. It consisted of praying the Memorare nine times in a row. If you are not familiar with the Memorare, here it is: “Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help or sought thy intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful; O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.” Memorize this prayer and pray it before each talk in thanksgiving for the conversions that will take place.

Guardian Angels. In the 2nd Book of Kings, chapter 6, a great battle is described. In the midst of it, a servant approached the prophet Elisha, crying out in despair that their troops were vastly outnumbered. Elisha knew that God would deliver them and he was aware of a spiritual presence that the servant wasn’t. He said, “Fear not, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” He then prayed, “O Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes that he may see.” Before the servant’s eyes, he suddenly beheld the mountain filled with fiery horses and chariots around Elisha. The angelic warriors led them to complete victory. I tell this story because as Christians we all accept the Biblical teaching of guardian angels. However, we rarely call to mind their constant presence or invoke their powerful intercession. Before each talk say a little prayer to your guardian angel. In this prayer, ask him to pray the Rosary throughout your talk. Indeed, ask him to lead a Rosary with all of the guardian angels of every student and teacher present in the auditorium throughout the duration of your talk. Even if a student is an atheist, he still has a guardian angel. Therefore, it is wise to take advantage of this heavenly host. As Christians, we must never overlook this legion at our side.

Holy Spirit. Pray to the Holy Spirit for the gift of apostolic preaching. Ask for the eloquence of speech of St. Anthony of Padua, the effectiveness of speech of Samuel, and for gifts even greater than these to touch the hardest of hearts.

Fragrance Prayer. You may also want to offer a prayer that was one of Mother Teresa’s favorites: “Dear Jesus, help me to spread your fragrance everywhere I go. Flood my soul with your spirit and life. Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly that all my life may only be a radiance of yours. Shine through me, and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with may feel your presence in my soul. Let them look up and see no longer me but only you, dear Jesus! Stay with me, and then I shall begin to shine as you shine; so to shine as to be a light to others. The light, O Lord, will be all from you; none of it will be mine; it will be you, shining on others through me. Let me thus praise you in the way you love best, by shining on those around me. Let me preach you without preaching, not by words, but by my example, by the catching force, the sympathetic influence of what I do, the evident fullness of the love my heart bears to you. Amen.”

Fast. Do not forget to fast for your audience. If you are unfamiliar with the practice, consult a priest or spiritual director.

Intercession. Ask others to pray for your presentation. Send out emails, tweets, etc… and let others know you would appreciate their prayers. See if a friend, family member, priest, or nun would be willing to be in Eucharistic Adoration during your talk.

LOGISTICS
Besides spiritual and intellectual preparation, here are some practical points to help your presentation go smoothly:

Arrive early for your presentation. Depending upon the venue, you may want to arrive up to an hour in advance. For smaller talks not as much time is necessary. During this time, consider doing the following items.

Meet with the administration or pastor. Thank them for bringing you, and ask about the student body. Ask an administrator if there is any particular topic that you should be sensitive about (recent death, scandal, etc.). It also helps to know the demographics of the students (diversity of race and religion). This is important, because I have been to Catholic schools where the majority of students are Muslim. Without watering down the Catholic faith, tailor your talk according to the diversity of faiths and cultures represented, in order to minister to those who are not Catholic. You may also want to ask how often the students have assemblies, when the students last had a chastity assembly, who gave it, and how it went. Ask if the students know what your presentation is about, or if the topic will be a surprise to them. It is nice when they don’t know, because they will be less likely to enter the assembly with preconceived ideas and expectations.

Sound Check. Before the audience arrives, test your microphone and ask the sound crew if you need to be aware of any places where you may experience feedback. If you are using a cordless microphone, make sure the batteries are good. It’s never hurts to have a backup mic as well. Get accustomed to using different kinds of microphones (lapel, hand-held, etc.) because you always want the one that has the best acoustics.

Prevent distractions before they happen. Let the administrator know how much time you will be speaking and ask if there will be any avoidable distractions that can be prevented (bells, air conditioning, early dismissals, etc). If some students need to be dismissed early, have them sit together in the place where it will be least distracting for everyone else when they need to leave. Audiences are typically more attentive when the temperature is cooler. However, if the air conditioning is so loud that impairs the acoustics, it’s better to turn it off. It’s better for them to listen to you in the heat than to remain cool and listen to a fan. If there is a sign language interpreter, ask that he or she sit or stand in a place that will not be a distraction to the rest of the students, without compromising the needs of the students who may be hearing-impaired. Have an administrator or pastor ask the teens to turn off all cell phones, ipods, GPS systems, X-Boxes, or whatever else they may have smuggled into the assembly. As the audience arrives, make sure the administration fills in the front of the room with students before they congregate in the back.

Keep the introduction simple. Write it down, and give it to the person who will introduce you. You also don’t want the person introducing you to give a ten minute sermon on abstinence, which could put students on the defensive before you even speak. If you forget to do this, things can go awry. Before one of my assemblies, a principal asked, “Would all the students come sit towards the front of the chastity talk? Because, like AT&T, our speaker wants to reach out and touch you.” Needless to say, the teenage audience roared over this.

Be available after the presentation. Ask an administrator what the students have scheduled after your presentation. If they have a break, you can mention during your talk that you are free to chat with them afterwards.

DELIVERY

Don’t read your speech. I once heard a man say that the last time someone read to him it was his mother, and she was trying to put him to sleep. Not only does this bore an audience, but it makes your presentation look less genuine. Avoid reading from notes, as much as possible. The audience will figure that if you can’t remember your talk, how should they? It’s fine to have a few notes jotted down to glance at, but the sooner you can do it without notes, the better. Study and practice beforehand, so you know what you want to say.

Know your audience. By talking to the faculty beforehand, you can get an idea about the type of students to whom you’ll be speaking. I’ve been to high schools that reminded me of convents, and to middle schools that resembled college fraternities. You may visit one school where the vast majority of students come from intact families, and then speak at another the same day where two thirds of the students live in single-parent families. If most students come from broken families, they might not see marriage as a goal. Therefore, the idea of “waiting for marriage” may not be as meaningful to them. By having a general idea of your crowd, you’ll have a better idea how to present your material.

Remember that different ages have different attention spans. For middle school students, make sure to use props and audience interaction. These are also helpful in the high school talk, but not as essential. As the audience matures to the college level, the students become more interested in your content than your style.

Realize that men are motivated differently than women. Men want a battle to fight and a princess to save. We want to be challenged, and not to be treated as if we’re the problem. We want to be the solution. We want to conquer. On the other hand, women want to feel understood, having their feelings and experiences validated. Furthermore, girls are judged enough in their daily lives through their peers and the media. The last thing they need is to feel judged by another person. Therefore, avoid making remarks that would make them feel looked down upon. By being aware of these natural desires, you can avoid turning away audience members. For example, if a chastity speaker makes guys feel as if everything is their fault, the young men will shut out the speaker. The same goes for girls, but there is something in the pride of a man that makes us allergic to the idea that we need to be fixed. We’d rather be told that there’s a problem that needs to be solved, and we’re just the ones to tackle it. When speaking to young men, I often talk about the battlefield in all of our hearts between love and lust. I mention that I’m not telling them that they need to be like me, but that we all struggle with our vices. We all want to properly love women, but we find within ourselves the tendency to view them as objects. By explaining that we’re all going through the same thing, the guys are not as likely to take offense, as if I am accusing them.

Avoid giving the teens what they expect. Before attending a chastity speech, most teens expect that the speaker will speak down to them, tell them how to act, and make them feel guilty, afraid, and shameful. Therefore, praise and affirm teens. They thrive on it, and they deserve it. It’s essential that they know that you have not come to judge them. They want to know that you are real, that you care about them, and that you want the best for them. It has been said that you cannot change someone unless you love them and they know that you love them. Others say, “They don’t care how much you know unless they know how much you care.” It also helps when students know that you think they are mature enough to hear this material. Be yourself, but at the same time, do your best to speak like Jesus. His listeners were never afraid to approach him out of fear of rejection. If you say something heavy, balance it with hope. If you praise the virgins, balance it with hope for those who are not. Always put yourself in the shoes of both people for every sentence of your talk.

Keep it pure. Remember that you’re giving a chastity talk. There’s no need to speak (or dress) in an irreverent or impure manner in order to relate to your audience. This can sometimes be a challenge when discussing sexuality for 60 minutes, but keep in mind the advice of St. Josemaria Escriva, who wrote, “Never talk of impure things or events, not even to deplore them. Look, it’s a subject that sticks more than tar. Change the conversation, or if that's not possible, continue, but speaking of the need and beauty of holy purity—a virtue of the men who know what their souls are worth. . . . I have never talked about impurity. . . . But I have spoken many times, as I have to do, about chastity, purity, and the joyful affirmation of love.”

Use humor. Humor has countless benefits for a speaker and the audience. Teens learn better while laughing. It also expands their attention span, because they are given a moment to interact with their peers without being disruptive. Furthermore, a chastity presentation could be likened to a spiritual surgery. Just as a doctor uses anesthesia before operating, use humor during your chastity talk before you make your incisions and extractions. The subject of human sexuality is a very sensitive and even painful topic for some. In order to open the hearts and minds of your listeners, it helps to use some laughing gas. If you’re not funny, don’t even try. A bad joke does more damage than no joke. But it’s still possible to be humorous if you’re not funny. Audience interaction is the easiest way to get a laugh and loosen up your audience because they’re not focusing on themselves. Have some audience members come up and use them to illustrate a point. Don’t choose the audience members at random. Ask them to raise their hands if they want to come up. That way, the most extroverted and hyperactive ones will volunteer, which will make for a more entertaining interaction. I start every talk with such an exchange. It helps them to forget their preconceived ideas about a “boring sex talk.”

Use “I” more than “you.” Some people will speak to teens and say “you need to do this, and you need to do that.” Instead, talk about your own testimony. It’s better to look back in a story and say, “I needed to start respecting myself, so I….” Teens who are in a similar situation will be able to draw upon your experiences and apply it to themselves without feeling judged or accused. In fact, they will find common ground with you, and will be more likely to approach you afterwards.

Use Primary sources. When quoting statistics or medical facts, do not rely upon secondary sources. It’s not enough to say, “I once heard that 50 percent of people who….” Make sure your facts are correct.

Smile. Joy makes an impression.

Chastity is good news. I was once introduced by a student who said, “Our speaker today is Jason Evert, and he’s going to talk about sex, and . . . uh . . . how not to have it.” A chastity talk is not about “not having sex.” It’s about planning great marriages and vocations, and having relationships without regret in the meantime. It’s about knowing the difference between love and lust. It is good news. You are offering them something, not taking something away from them.

Grow in holiness. A teacher of mine once said to our class, “God is far more interested in your conversion than He is in using you to convert others.” Therefore, remember that the best thing you can do for another’s conversion is your own holiness. For example, Mother Teresa did not need to say a word in order to inspire others to live godly lives. The witness of her charity and holiness was so palpable that her mere presence was convicting.

When counseling, answer questions by asking them. This helps teens to internalize the solutions to their problems. For example, when a guy asks how far is too far, you can ask him how far he would want someone going with his future wife or little sister. When a girl asks if she should leave her controlling boyfriend, ask her what advice she would give to a friend if she was in the same kind of relationship. This is not dodging the question. It invites the person to look into his own heart, instead of imposing a rule upon him. This challenges teens to use their minds, and it shows them that you care about what they think. In turn, they are more likely to open up if they know you want to listen to them. This is not to be confused with the false morality known as the “non-directive” approach, where everything is relative and subjective. On the contrary, you are seeking to awaken a person’s conscience to objective truth.

Address pornography with the guys and modesty with the girls. Men are prone to use a woman for the sake of physical gratification, while a woman is prone to allow herself to be used for the sake of emotional gratification. By appealing to their desire to love, one can show that both immodesty and porn harm our ability to give and receive love.

Realize the prevalence of sexual abuse. Massive numbers of young women (and even some young men) have experienced sexual abuse that impacts the decisions they make in relationships and the way they view themselves. Speak with compassion, hope, and encouragement, realizing that not all people lose their virginity by choice.

Watch your body language. Don't distract with your hands, or cling to a podium in fear. You can move around as you speak, but don’t go overboard. If you can film yourself, this is the best way to critique your own talk.

Love is the greatest motivating force. Some teens are afraid of premarital sex because they witnessed a graphic STD slide show in health class. Others delay sexual activity because they want to attend a prestigious college and have other great dreams that a pregnancy could “ruin.” However, both of these fears are limited in their ability to produce chaste behavior. There is a desire in every person that runs deeper than the desire for self-preservation and personal accomplishment. It is the desire to love and be loved. Our generation has been taught how to avoid venereal infections, but what we really want to know is how to find, build, and maintain a relationship of real love. Everyone wants love. Everyone longs to completely give himself or herself to another. We’re made for love, and that need in us is so deep that many of us would rather take the risk of getting pregnant if it meant that we would have a chance at love. Some would rather risk getting a sexually transmitted disease than live without love. We may be willing to take these risks because the world has told us that sex equals love. Then we see relationships where sex destroyed love, and we wonder what went wrong. The only solution capable of breaking through all this hurt and confusion is the virtue known as chastity. Give it to them.

Add a “how to live it out” part in the talk. Give concrete tips for what the teens should do after your talk to lead a pure life. They need to see that Christ’s grace is sufficient, and that the advice given is practical. Included in this section could be topics such as: going to confession, finding good friends, getting involved in youth group, avoiding occasions of sin, establishing a chastity club, visiting chastity.com, etc. If you’ll be giving a chastity presentation in the future, contact us and we may be able to send you free chastity materials for your audience.

Follow-up. After the presentation, suggest the names of other chastity speakers to the administration, and recommend that they bring in speakers annually to address the issue. Continue to pray for your audience long after the assembly is over.

MEDIA
If you have an opportunity to speak with the media, here are a few tips:

Smile. Loosen up, and don't get defensive.

Be exciting. People who work on television or radio use exaggerated expressions and voice inflections. When you watch them from home or listen in the car, you don’t think anything of it. Then, watch or hear an interview with a person who isn’t accustomed to being in front of the camera or on radio. Because they speak in a normal way, they sound boring and half-asleep. Just as the voice is important in radio, the image is important on television. In a presidential debate between John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon, those who listened to the debate overwhelmingly though that Nixon won, while those who watched the debate and were able to look at the candidates thought that Kennedy won. He appeared more at ease, and even though his mere words may not have been as convincing as those of Nixon, his presence and composure were enough to make up for it. One way to grasp the importance of one’s image is to ask yourself who would win a debate if there was no sound.

Know your talking points. Before an interview, think of the three or four positive points that you want to get across. If you are in a debate or getting interviewed by someone who is unfriendly to the idea of chastity, answer the question you wanted to be asked. Don’t get thrown off, but know your agenda.